lost

there's too much. i've let it go too long that i don't even know where to begin or what should be a blog, or prose or poetry. 

i know that the intense pain that i was feeling is now wavering between pain and numbness which i think is better but not healthier.  i know that i could really use someone to talk to but the people that used to fill that role are either overwhelmed in their own right, dead or . . . after my father's death there were so many unexpected changes to reality.  one of them was that there was this whole grouping of people that i would have sworn were my friends and it turn out that i was flat wrong about that.  they deserted me when i was breaking.  they were only present because they thought i couldn't break like that and once i did they kaiser soze'd the fuck outta dodge. 

but it's been so long now with no connection and i'm closing in on myself and becoming increasingly aware of that fact and what it is doing to me. 

but, my father left me, this time he left everyone, and i killed the love of my life and all i could do for my matriarch was watch her die.  and the connection i was holding at the time, i held too tight to things that he never meant at all.  there's an albatross in my basement and i shall be alone for as long as i may live.  amen.  but no idea what i amen in.