lost
there's too much. i've let it go too long that i don't even know where to begin or what should be a blog, or prose or poetry. i know that the intense pain that i was feeling is now wavering between pain and numbness which i think is better but not healthier. i know that i could really use someone to talk to but the people that used to fill that role are either overwhelmed in their own right, dead or . . . after my father's death there were so many unexpected changes to reality. one of them was that there was this whole grouping of people that i would have sworn were my friends and it turn out that i was flat wrong about that. they deserted me when i was breaking. they were only present because they thought i couldn't break like that and once i did they kaiser soze'd the fuck outta dodge. but it's been so long now with no connection and i'm closing in on myself and becoming increasingly aware of that fact and what it is doing to me. but, my...